these songs never used to hurt osmuch.  i'm hearing things in Brothers in

Arms that I never did.  Gillian loves that song.  I miss her so much right

now, and I'm not sure what triggered it.  I always miss her, but right now,

it's enough to bring my life to a sceeching halt.  I'm upset at everything

and hyped up on anger and tired from depression at the same time.  We

watched St. Elmo's Fire and there was some romance in there, but nothing

specific . . . I guess just the mention of it makes me think of my own

recent romance, and pulling up that subject is akin to flipping some

switch in my head into "pining" mode.  

I really have the feeling that after Melissa, something in me decided it

didn't want to get emotionally hurt anymore, and I'd stop caring.  and then

the thing with Aija happened, and . . . I retreated further into my shell.

I don't think this because of any direct thing that I feel, but just

because of how I see myself acting.  my 'default state' is totally

emotionless; I can get opened up, but then as soon as whatever opened it

leaves, I'll close back up again.  Like if I just think of Gillian in

some vague, "some person I know," or even "a face among face" term, then

all I'll feel toward her is indifference.  

theo pposite of lov eins't hate, it's indifference



I wish I could stay in that open state all the time; even if it does hurt

more sometimes.  I can tell that I'm shoving Gillian out of my mind as a

way to protect myself, and I hate that, because she's the last person in

my life I want shoved out of mind.  I wish so badly there was a way to live

near her.  



I'm tired.  sleep, my other escape.  turn off your emotions is good,

turning off your entire body, going nto a near-death state of total

uneeling; that's ideal.  that's how it seems, anyhow.  but I have a hard

time forcing myself to stay awake to do something I don't want to do.

Unfortunately, I don't want to do anything but sleep when I'm sitred, so . . .



life tires me.