I think it's time to start this back up again.  perhaps it's just today.
I had a lousy day.  

I just watched sex,lies,andvideotape
it was good.  odd.

I had to make a decision today at work.  whether I was keeping my job or
getting laid off.  I didn't really have that much to say going into the
meeting at joel.  I was expecting a "yes, I am keeping the job" from
myself.  instead, it became a drawn-out discussion.  I told him I had no
choice [financially speaking] but to stay.  he said he didn't want me
there if I wasn't going to be there.  wrong answer.  
I spent the better part of the meeting in tears.  I don't know why.  I
couldn't stop crying.  often not long enough to even get out a few
coherent words.  it was embarrasing.  somewhat.  I'd say it was cathartic,
but it didn't make me feel good.  just different.  
anyhow, I said I'd take the position if he was still offering it, he said
he was.  
I said at some point 
"I realize I'm probably being a bit of a spoiled brat, it's part of my
personality"
I don't remember parts of the meeting.  I don't even remember that
clearly.  the memory has the familiar clouding of a sober person trying to
remember the drunken events of the night before.  I was sober at the
meeting.

I've been feeling sick recently.  Like, perpetually nauseous.  I don't
know the exact cause.  I'm sure stress is a lot of it.  And because of the
stress I've been smoking a fair amount (for me).  That might play a part
in it.  

this morning Bryn 
a friend of Hoagy's
mailed me back regarding a freelance position.  what had originally
sounded good had changed into "5-6 hours a day for $300 a month."
is that legal?  it's less than minimum wage, even generously calculated.  
I guess they're looking for high school students.
so that was a bust

perhaps David's other friend will have a more promising opportunity for me
to freelance.  that would be nice.  I wonder if I'll ever hear back
regarding the other positions I've sent out about.  everyone hates the
"we'll only call if we're interested and we won't tell you when we'll
call" game.  it's not like I'm special in that regard.  sucks.

prospects currently bleak.  we're entering a holding pattern until we're
cleared for contentment.  

do you ever start writing your goodbye note in your head?
i do.
i do.