It's been a long time, diary.  Been slacking in here, though I'm not sure

why.  Well, I've been busy at work, or too drunk, or too tired, or just

plain forgot, or didn't have anything to say.  Simple enough.  



i have a knack for fucking everything up



I feel really really bad.  no secret there. 

there's-nobody-out-there-for-me and I'm running out of options to

lead a sane and happy life horrible.  I was happy for a short while.  Had

been hanging out with Big Ben (my one friend in Berkeley) and the

afforementioned (last entry) Irish girls in the house.  Was enjoying

hanging out with them.  Developed a minor crush on one of them.  That

wasn't fun.  Think I'm over her though.  But they as a group were lots of

fun to hang out with.  only I think I've scared them all off or something.

Last night;

(in reference to my painting my toenails for fun / owning body glitter and

stuffed animals) - they told me that in Ireland "I'd get beat up"

- a bunch of them were talking about going out for a pint, but nobody was

getting around to it.  I finally said "Ok, I'm going out for a pint, who's

with me?"  [nervous silence, then] one of them says "Time to help (big)

Ben move his stuff (into his new place)."  then they all laughed at me

- was talking to Jillian, thought I was being friendly, in a banter-y sort

of way.  she told me to "just go away."  

and that's when I

well

freaked out



BigBen came down and found me after a bit.  I was in bed, but the lights

on and the door open.  obviously I wanted someone to find me.  I told him

about it and how I felt.  well, he'd been there when Jillian told me to

leave.  he told me I thought too much.  what she said to him, too.

Apparently he said something or other to the girls, because when I next

went upstairs (to find Ben, he was in the girls' room), Susie said

something like "Ithink you're cool, Nat."  

so now I'm totally embarassed to be around them.

I was 7 hours late to work today because I went to bed in the midst of my

nervous breakdown and didn't care whether I got up this morning.  finally

got on mud, talked to Chris a bit, felt somewhat better.  then got to

work, got email from a (rightly) ticked boss about my being late.  



I'm about ready to give up.  



this is now on my door:

[apologies to NOFX for fucking with their lyrics to suit my needs]



all his suits are torn

he lost it all
we knew he would eventually
some wonder why he took the fall
others just ask who the hell is he
and why should we care for him

a baggy man with baggy clothes
a face made of paper mache
he lost his humor years ago
along with his morals
his head planted beneath his shoulders

kill the pain, integrity don't keep you warm and sane
throw me out with the bath water
don't wanna be, anyone who would wanna know me

he had a time
he had a place
following the fifteen minute climb
he took the seven second leap
a cannonball plunge off the deep