loneliness has set upon me

like a debilitating disease

that has left me too weak

to fight it





i simply love you
more than i love
life itself
and i guess
that's why they call it
the blues
time on my hands
could be
time spent with you




I remember, Aija, I remember, maybe the first time that we all hung out

and drank and listened to music and danced in your room.  And I put on

this song, and your eyes went wide, because you loved this song too.  And

it's such a sad, sad song (sad songs say so much), and so we just held

each other's hands, and sat, and sang the song together, and it was such a

beautiful moment.  There were so many beautiful moments.



You know what cuts me like a knife?  so many memories of you do.

When i broke up with you, and we were talking, in my bed, and you asked if

we could just lay there, and hold each other, one last time.  It felt so

good to hold you;  why didn't I realize what that meant?  You were crying.

I should have been too.  



and when Dan said to me that I was making a big mistake.  He told me of a

girl that he'd dated a few years back.  And they were so different, and

she was different than the girls he ususally dated.  And so he broke up

with her.  But he realizes now how right they were for each other.  And he

said I was doing the same thing.  I shrugged him off.  He tried to save

me, and I shrugged it off.



now i shrug everything off



There are a bunch of irish girls here at the house for the summer.  I was

talking to a few of them for a bit.  But I just didn't know how to hold

onto a conversation.  And they just weasled away from me, and I went back

into my room to try and cry. 



and i failed like always



SHOULD YOU BE WORRIED?  why are you asking me?  i do enough worrying on my

own, about my life, i don't have time to worry about myself.  i don't

think about it, i don't want to.  so how should i know?



Hmm, hi, Nancy.  Looks like I've picked you as my new person to latch onto

and dump on.  People must hate it when I do this.  Pei, you were wonderful

about it.  This time difference 'tween coasts, though, me paging you late

for me is ass-late for you, Nance, so if you wanna bludgeon me, I

understand.  I do this, though.  Not for any good reason.  Panic, really.

I panic and 



grasp and reach for a leg of hope





I think logically when I should be relaxing and thinking with my emotions,

like trying to converse, and I think emotionally when I should be thinking

logically, like worrying about being alone.



mwah, mwah, mwah.

even I'm sick of my whining