Ok, kiddies, here's Nat's lesson Of The Day:



when life is the shits

and you just can't win

and you're freaking out

chill out

and have a beer



I went to SF, waited around for my bus, and watched it drive right by me.

After I ran 10 blocks trying to catch it, coming close several times, but

ultimately failing, I was exhausted, irritated at how out of shape I was,

thirsty, and on the wrong part of Mission street.  I got a snapple, headed

out, went to the next bus stop, started to waitfor my bus, and my mom

paged.  By the time I'd found a phone, I was nowhere near my bus at all.

Not only that, but my mom wasn't home when I returned her page, and when I

checked the message she left, it was just about whether to meet at four or

five the next day.  defeated, I started to walk toward the virgin

megastore, knowing the street that it was on would lead me to the train,

and I could get to palo alto, albeit late.  It was a long walk, so I went

to get a cab, only to find that the only ones around were heading to a

hotel with a horrendous line of people waiting for taxis.  Reluctantly, I

started trudging toward the station.  Then, as I was passing 4th and

Mission, I saw the 4th street pub and decided "fuck it."  I went inside,

ordered a beer, and when the bartender carded me and found out it'd just

been my birthday, the beer was on the house.  I then walked outside just

as my bus was pulling up to a red light in front of me.  I waved at the

driver, he opened the door, and I hopped on.  And here I am.  I'll be a

little later than I'd like to Palo Alto, but I can call Brette and get

picked up by her and Adam.  And I get to go see Austin Powers: The Spy

That Shagged Me.



All in al, I'm feeling infinitely better than when I woke up this morning.

Yay beer!  And I get to listen to Blink 182 on the way.  ahhhh...



obBipolarQuote:



don't wanna be
anyone who would want to know me




Update:  5 hours later . . .



Damn, Austin Powers 2 was hil-fucking-larious. 



I'm really torn as to what to think about work.  On one hand, I like a lot

of my co-workers, it's often-entertaining and generally nonchallenging

work.  On the other hand, they totally take advantage of me, paying shit

wages for absurd hours.  It is a stepping stone into the real world, and

that's good.  It is an evil company that's run in the same dumb way as

most companies, less focus on quality and more on making money.  It's

going to make money, and that's frustrating.  I don't think my boss likes

me very much.



I don't think ANYONE likes me very much these days.  Everyone I meet tends

toward a really negative first impression of me, especially females.  I

think a lot of my friends are sick of / irritated with me.  And I honestly

am not sure why.  I wish I didn't feel so, well,



unwanted



God, self-pity is SO unattractive.  



I feel like to succeed, to be liked, to be 'happy,' I have to throw my

personality, my ideals, in short, myself, out.



throw me out
with the bathwater


Catch-22.  Either I'm wrong, which I hope, or I'm fucked, which I feel

like.  Gee, I've heard this song before.



something has to change
undeniable dilemma


That's me, just talking myself around in a circle.  Are you tired of

reading it yet?  I'm getting there.  



Where's the answer?  Why is is so hard, why do I give up so easily?  Why

doesn't anyone like me, why don't I like anyone?  I feel like my soul is

slipping away quickly, and I don't do well under pressure.  



What does your heart tell you?  My heart tells me I'm sick of all this

shit, I have been for some time, I don't see any end to my problems in

sight nor a payoff for my work.  My brain tells me I just need to hold on

a bit longer, that there may be big payoffs in not too much longer.  Can I

put a price on integrity and pride?  Seems I'm selling low . . .



What do you want?  I'd be happy just getting out of school and working

full time.  

What do you want?  I'm sick of working full time, but I sure as hell don't

want to go back to school.  

What do you want?  I want lots of money, without working for it.

What do you want?  I sure wish I had people to spend this money with.



Ok, enough repeating myself.  as Laurel wrote in my senior yearbook (funny

how these things stick so well in our memory, yet what we wrote in others'

yearbooks is instantly forgotten), "ai yai yai, I make myself sick."