God, I hate this.  This fear of being judged for what I write in here.

Why should I care?  If I'm just being honest, why should I care?  I wish I

could ove this irrational super-fear of what people think of me, of

letting them down somehow if I'm not what they want me to be.  



I'm trying to be what you want me to be
but it's so damn hard to keep playing the part of the fool 
week after week



With that pre-whining done,



I've been smoking.  I think I can feel myself getting hooked.  But the

only convincing argument I've heard not to is that I'll smell bad.  But,

what else?  I'll die sooner?  So what?  I mean, really, so what?  I can't

for the life of me care about that.  

IT's amazing what a differece of opinions there is between social groups.

I have friends that smoke and think nothing of it.  I have friends who

rarely smoke and think nothing of it, or don't smoke at all but could care

less.  And then I have friends to whom the act of smoking is

reprehensible.  I think it's good that we have "smoking is bad" pounded

into our brains as kids.  But I'm not a kid anymore, and I understand

what's going on here, and I don't care.  Life is too short not to do what

I want.  I think it's really that simple.  If I can prolong my life by

being unhappy...well, c'mon, putting it that way, and it sounds moronic to

anyone.  Not that this is a new argument by any stretch of the

imagination.  But it's the one I'll go with for now.  



Watch out, because I think I'm going to repeat myself but this is where my

mind is heading.  (such an odd thing I do, this semi-aware public

journal)  I'm no longer interested in changing who I am to suit other

people.  It's liberating to just be who I want to be.  And if you think

that makes me mean, well, then find another friend.  Life is too short to

lie to yourself, and I'm not doing it any longer.  |I yam what I yam, as

Popeye would say.  Love it or leave it.  Ha.



well, I've been in pretty good spirits recently.  this is good.  I'm

reeeeeally hoping I get offered a job at firingsqad/gamers.com.  I'm

hopeful, cos I think the interview went well.  Cross mah fingers! not

getting the job would most certainly send me sliding into another funk,

and that's no fun.  beyond the fact that the job would rule, of course.  



fun with personal exploration!  

nobody likes you
everybody hates you
smile, you fuck