I was a bit scared to read last night's entry.  A little too real to try

and take in just anytime.  But I just did it.  I'm not sure that I really

have anything to add to it today.  It's frightening?/amazing? how honest I

think I am in here, and then something like that seeps out, and I realize

how guarded I am most of the time.  It's such an effort not to be.  So

hard to put myself into that state;  To not just say "ok I wrote tonight,

good for me" and put away the computer without having said anything.  To

really reach inside, grab ahold of something, and yank it out.  



I hung out with Big Ben and his friend whose name I've forgotten already

upstairs tonight for a few hours.  Just sat around, watched part of

Trainspotting, talked about Sony products and the job market.  It felt so

wonderful to be with other people.  Even just sitting in the room, Big Ben

on his computer zoned out, his friend listening to music and half watching

the movie, and me sitting watching a movie I've seen numerous times

already, I was struck with how happy I was just to be around people.  To

be 'hanging out.'  



This can't be a catchall solution, though.  I got plenty depressed in the

dorms sophomore year, and I had a whole floorful of people . . . well, no,

I really only had two separate groups of two other people to hang out with

for the bulk of the year.  Even before, though, when I was dating Aija,

and we were one big happy floor, I remember getting absurdly depressed.

Didn't realize what I had 'till it was gone.  Oops.  Hmm.  Well, I'm sure

it's a step in the right direction.  I hope the place I'm moving to will

have a friendly cozy atmosphere.  



time will tell . . . fuck time healing all wounds, though.  If you want to

forget something, you forget it;  if you don't, for some masochistic

reason, you don't.  Time ain't got shit to do with it.



word.