I think twice now in the past few days I've had a dream that involved me

getting incredibly frustrated at the world, to the point whereI can't take

it anymore.  Thefirst one, I was trying to explain to my mom how I felt,

and she wouldn't listen, and I ended up throwing a desk through a window

and running away and almost crying, because simply living was so painful.

THat's how thedream ended.  With life being so painful that I was just

standing there, in agony, wishing it would all just go away.  

More recently, last night I think, or the night before, a couple days

after the fist one, I dreampt I was with a bunch of my peers, and I

flipped.  I couldn't stand themnorthe world anymore, and I just went

berzerk.  I think I started attacking everyone, in a futile release of

pent-up rage.  Everyone ran away from me.  Then, as I was standing there,

still as full of anguish as when I'd started, I saw a few of my friends

heading toward me to talk things over and check on me.  And I wanted that

least of anything in the world, so I tuned, and just ran.  Ran, and didn't

loook back.



These are pretty disturbing dreams.  I don't know.  I'm just running out

of amusements.  I think this job at firingsquad.com may be my last-ditch

attempt to find a reason to go on.  I'm just so apathetic.  It's so

frustrating, it makes me so sad.  I have so much potential, so much I

could give to the world.  I'm not like everyone else.  But I Just Don't

Seem To Care.  Life is such a chore it seems, that not existing is the

stuff of my dreams.




nothing seems to kill me
no matter how hard i try
nothing is closing my eyes