Sooo. . . another entry started not because I have anything to say, but

because I haven't said anything in too long.  And my last entry was just

lyrical . . . although it did pretty much sum up how I was feeling (am

feeling?  probably, yah), especially in the first and last verses.  Go go

run-on sentences.  That's me.  Hopefully the good folks at firingsquad.com

will be able to look past that, and into my eyes, at which point I will

hypnotize them into hiring me.  I'm perfect for the job (writer for their

webpage, which reviews pc games and hardware), so I'm just waiting for

them to contact me and say "you're perfect for the job!"  That's my focus.

It seems like I often have a focus (before this, it was Cancun), and I use

it as an excuse to not do anything useful or productive until then,

because I'm so wrapped up in looking forwad to it.  Hope I won't be

dissapointed.  



I've been bouncing in between not wanting to be around anyone, wanting to

just run away, try to get that job in Virginia or something, and

desperately needing to be here and with familiar, friendly faces.  Wonder

why that is.  I can see boredom playing a factor both ways.  On one hand,

I'm bored of my surroundings, and that includes the people I norally see;

a change of pace would include new people.  On the other hand, when I'm

bored, it's usually for want of human interaction, so . . . I don't know.

Ok, of all things, I should NOT be sitting here feeling pressured into

trying to write what other people will want to hear or enjoy reading!

that's so stupid.  so cut it out.  I don't have to astound peole with my

prolificness or nothin'.   It's ok to say that my constant craving for

chemicals is worrisome.  Although again, linked to boredom.  Talking to

Susan today, and she said she wanted to find out what would be fun, what

would make her happy, and just spend her life doing those things.  The

only thing that has (so far) consistently amused me is snowboarding.  And

I have the sneaking suspicion that if I hit the slopes more than I do, I'd

eventually tire of that too.  God.  I really need to start writing more.

My story is stagnating, has been for days.  I have plenty of free time, so

. . . AAAAAARGH.  I'm so afraid of being a failure, but I know damn well

that if I'm a failure, the only reason is pure laziness.  Modesty aside, I

could do anything I wanted, if I put my mind / body to it.  But I don't.

Routine seems so constricting to me, but once I'm free, I find a whole lot

of nothing awaiting me.  WHAT IS THE ANSWER?  Am I cursed to be forever

bored?  I really hope I get this job, and have plenty filling up my time.

(full time job plus half - to - full time job equals lots to do.)  I

really hope that whatever jobs I end up doing in the near future give me

some sort of sense of where I want to coninue with my life, because right

now . . . I wake up some mornings, and go back to bed because there isn't

anything I want to do.  So I sleep for hours, and hours, and hours.  It's

like a kid going to sleep to make christmas come faster, except to an

absurd degree, and every day.  



mr. sandman, bring me a dream

and better still,

a reason to wake up from it