I am this close to crying.  I suppose the wine didn't help. And the

movie.  I won't say what it was because I hate it when people ruin movies

for me, but . . . oh god.  I need someone to hold right now, and it isn't

happening, because it's 4am.  I'm so sad . . . I want somebody to love.  I

keep going in an out of this phase.  Bitter cynicsm.  Then romantic

desire.

Why is it that nore of my recent relationships has lasted more than a

month?  Why do I always start with idealistic romance in mind, and end up

with cynical disilussionment and (sometimes) sexual frustration?  What IS

a relationship to me?  It can't just be the sex, can it?  Doesn't that

keep signaling the end?  Am I that obsessed with it?  I know I'm "in my

sexual prime", but what about that romantic side?  That boy with the

flowers?  God, where is he?  Please, tell me he's still there, and I

havne't shot him down . . . 

Where is that person to strike "that chord in me"?  To be the other half

of my puzzle?  God, am I falling apart without her?  Sometimes it feels

like it.  Yay, I'm making money.  Yay, I might be able to make lots myore

soon.  Wonder what I'm worth?  But . . . I need that other half!  That

person to tell me to rage against it all when it gets too tough.  I'm

sorry Aija.  I'm so sorry.  If I had known how little time we would have

spent together, I would never have made you sleep in your own bed for lack

of rest.  I would have cherished every second I had spent with you!  I . .

. I . . . I.  Oh god, you really can't turn back time, can you?  It isn't

like all those sappy romance films and lovesongs.  What a cruel, harsh

reality.  Oh god....



you make it hard to breathe

it's as if i'm suffocating

and when i'm next to you

i can feel your heart beat through my skin

it makes me sad to think

this could all be for nothing



i wish there was a way

a way for you to see inside me

i've never felt this way

about anyone or anything

tell me



what do i have to do

to make you happy

what do i have to do

to make you understand

what do i have to do

to make you want me

and if i can't make you want me

what do i have to do



i know exactly what you're thinking

but i swear this time i will not let you down

i'm not as selfish as i used to be

that was a part of me that never made me proud

right now i think i would try anything

anything at all to keep you satisfied

and god i hope you see

what losing you would do to me

all i want is one more chance

tell me



what do i have to do

to make you happy

to make you understand

to make you want me

and if i can't

tell me



to make you want me

to make you understand

to make you love me

and if i can't make you love me

just tell me

what do i have to do

to forget about you?