Slacking, slacking, slacking.  What with work super-busy, working on a new

website with Chris, getting caught up in mudconversations with my new

pal Biteme (ahh, netnames), and uh, well, sleeping too much, days have

again breezed past without an entry in the Saga of Nat.

Speaking of sleeping too much . . . I wonder if my huge capacity for

sleep, which is fairly newfound (within the last year or so) has stemmed

from boredom.  With small courseloads, I've had lots of free time on my

hands.  I remember in the dorms I'd get incredibly bored many days,

walking up and down the hall in hopes that someone would appear to

entertain me.  Is it possible that my body adjusted to my lifestyle by

sleeping more, thereby limiting the amount of time I'm awake and bored? 

I keep wanting to stop this sleeping habit;  go to the other extreme and

sleep only like 6 hours a day or so.  Get lots more done!  Or perhaps this

is good for my body, to be well-rested, and the limiting factor on what I

can get done is my attention span.  Attention.  I've been wondering

recently if I should go to someone and get tested for Attention Defecit

Disorder.  I s'pose the 'disorder' in general sounds like a farce to me;

I mean, everyone has a limited attention span.  But maybe I could get help

paying attention longer.  Hmm, is that really necessary?  Because when I

think about it, the things I enjoy doing, like writing, sysadminning,

whatever, I don't think I have much problem paying attention to them.

Leery of being 'treated' for a problem that doesn't exist.  Hmm.



Bryan said to me tonight something that caught me off guard, took me

aback, something.  We were talking about his girl-drama, and something

about my attitude toward the whole thing made him say "Jeez, Nat, do you

even care anymore?  About people?  I know you used to, but . . ."

It turned out that he'd misunderstood what I'd said, but still . . . the

way he said it, it wasn't some offhanded remark, and it got me thinking.

I know I've changed perspectives recently.  I know I wonder sometimes when

my female friends call me a 'sweetie.'  Am I really?  Or am I an uncaring,

manipulative, evil person?  I don't THINK so.  But . . . how have I

changed?  Well, let's see.  I'm more frank about my feelings now.  Ok.

I'm not polite and ultra-concerned about hurting people's feelings to a

fault anymore.  But I still care about other people's feelings.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have felt so horrible about oversleeping today, and

standing Catherine up for the afternoon.  Hmm.  But his comment, maybe it

was focused more on relationships.  Have I become more cynical and jaded

about them?  The omantic view of sex in my mind has dwindled drastically

in the last year and a half.  But I think I've still got that romantic

spark in me somewhere.  I guess I judge my relationships faster now, but

not TOO fast. . . just not too slow, like I used to.  And none of them

recently have worked.  But that's ok.  No....I don't think I'm uncaring.

I think I'm just a lot more honest about my feelings now, and yes, often

my cynicsm.  But I don't think my . . . soul has changed.  Perhaps Karla

(from Microserfs) was right;  perhaps people do have an unchanging essence

in them.  'cause I'm pretty sure that smilin' kid holding the bouquet of

roses is still hiding somewhere inside of me.  Even if he does have to

battle the rabid swamp weasels sometimes.