i am so fucking scared right now
it's friday night and I've been hanging out at home a lot and it was so
lovely to have the company and just warm bodies around so I felt like
there were other people in the world, in my world, that acknowledged my
existance and make me feel alive and they've all gone away for cristmas
and so I'm so scared to go home I don't want to because the whole house
will be dark and empty and I don't want to be alone I don't want to be
alone but I already turned away John and Dan and I'm scared to even ask
Matt if he wants to do something, because I don't know if I'll end up
wanting to I mean I am tired and I feel like I'm getting sick so all I
really want to do is go home and get some rest maybe watch a movie I'm
just so fucking scared to do that because there really will be NO ONE
THERE as if all my friends just dissapeared and I feel like that happens
to me too much and It's probably largely my fault i have friends i just
alienate them and it's not like I always even talked much with my
housemates but they were there and now they're all gone

and now  a song just came on 

[good riddance]

and it's taking me all sorts of places and
they're all sad because they're all in the past and nothing is here with
me in the present and it's only a night after all there's that party at
Justin's tomorrow and I'll get to see people and there will be people from
work there that I'll know so I won't be alone in a group of people but
righ tnow I'm alone by myself and I'm panicking and thinking of who to
turn to and I'm drawing a complete blank 

and now justin and amy and justin's mother and her friend have just awlked
in and I've been distracted by them and lost my sense of panic, calmed
down a little bit, but 

i think of waking up tomorrow to an empty house

and the rock in my gut pulsates.




i leave this unresolved as i leave this office in search of elsewhere