Again, again, being written on the next day.  Again?  It's been a while.  Anyhow.



Feeling veyr solitary now.  I'd forgotten, when I took them, that mushrooms are a very solitary drug.  When on them, you

hate being around people who aren't - John doensn't dig them for whatever reason, and so he wasn't - probably

why I was trying to get rid of him all night.  Certainly not because I don't enjoy his company.  I generally do.

He's like the antithesis of me.  We were talking tonight, about dating, I guess.

Well, this all sprung up because In a semi-delusional fit of whatever, I called up Gillian.  It was about

10am her time, so even though she'd warned against calling early on the weekends, I figured she'd be awake.

She wasn't, and the conversation was sour - much like those conversations I would always have with Melissa, when 

 

 --

 OK, I've just taken a break in writing, to go to the bathroom, actually.  And I start having all these other thoughts,

 good ideas to write about in here, just flitting around my brain.  And I've just seen ...a coworker asleep on

 the couch, but that doesn't have anything to do with it [note, he's always seemed cool, but I don't know his name

 and we've never adressed each other by name].  anyhow, my first reaction, in the bathroom, when confronted with all

 these neat thoughts to write down, was that I'm tired.  since I got up at 8pm after 16 hours sleep, and it's now

 5am, I don't think that's the case - simply my body's constant attempt to take the easy way out.

 "It'll all be ok inthe morning"

 tuyrns into

 "It'll all be ok if y0ou never have to wake up"

 sigh.

 I bet you're going to call again after reading this, Dad.

 

 gonna keep writing, for once.  good thing I'm at work so I can write; no easy bed to crawl into

 --

 

 it was an awkward 'she's pissed, and I know, and she knows I know, but she refuses to admit it' deal

 anyhow, it ended poorly, with her saying she'd call me.  Probably she was just irritated because she'd been

 woken up - but I ended up feeling as if I was being treated like some guy shse'd foolishly given her number

 to, and who is now harassing her, while notsober, at all hours.  oh wel.  she'll call, I'll apologize; for whatever

 reason, she really doesn't want me to call her at ALL during the weekend - I broke that rule, she was pissed,

 end of story.  

 

 so we were talking, John and I, afterwards.  I think I decided he was a "covert mysoginist posing as a feminist"

 or something wacky like that.  anyhow, we're total opposites when it comes to women; I'm always the

 guy who ... how'd john put it?   cliche phrase . . . oh yeah.  "that sensitive guy thing doesn't work." is I believe

 what he said.  and John's been involved with too many girls, he says, who've claimed love for their husband|boyfriend|fiancee,

 but whov'e messed around with him, talked smack about their boy behind his back (to john), or whatever.

 so he doesn't trust the whole female gender.

 he says I should "show Gillian what it feels like" by being very curt with her when she calls back.

 my, of course, gut feeling is that I should call and apologize, but I won't.  I'd end up being like

 Mikey in Swingers, during that incredibly painful scene which ends with "don't ever call me again."

 

 anyhow, [insert quote from Fear and Lothing in Las Vegas about " . . . incredibly painful, introspective trip"]

 I've been free-associating.  ahh yes.  so we watched Death Race 2000, and yes I'll return it soon, Justin.

 then we watched "10 things I hate about you."  My second viewing of it; like it just as much.  Fun flick.

 and John said something about me loving this 'teeny-bopper' thing.  which reminded me that I'd been thinking

 recently about my teen years - the last song I quoted in here, it was straight out of High School.  makes me think

 of Laurel.  anyhow, all the fun I had back then, and how I never really got a chance to properly end that era,

 or have a proper high school experiehnce . . . it just sort of ended too soon.  like I figured out what high

 school was and how to have fun with it partway through senior year, and I got this momentum up, and then

 it got siderailed with my relationship with melissa, where I wasn't really experiencing high school

 nor college, beause I was in college spending my time with a high school girl, but mostly just with girl,

 so never relaly got experience.  losing coherence.shit.

 

 

 -before I lose sight of this;

 before I came in here

 and now

 and all the way through, I just wnat to say this one thing out of all of this:

 I wanted to have someone to talk to

 someone to hold on to

 someone to cherish

 but you're not here

 ----

 

 anyhow, so this would explain how I've been acting, because I carried on with my highschool irrisponsibility sophomore

 year through now, with the juvinile mindset of one who expects the world to bring him everything.

 or this could all just be bullshit.

 

 wow . . . strange coincidence.  I just turned on my monitor which connects my headphones, and my mp3s had beenplaying,

 randomized, this whole time.

 but when it came to,

 the same song was playing that had been playing in my car when I pulled up here at work, 

 which epitomizes everything I've been talking about.

 the song is by the police, which remind me of high school, which is when I got into them, and was

 listening to their stuff all the time

 and the song itself

 is "so lonely"

 

 I bet you're expecting that to be today's lyrical entry, but it isn't.

 

 [FNT]