we just finished watching American History X.  and all through until the
final scene, I thought it was a good movie, but nothing amazing.  

please don't read any further unless you've seen this film
i hate when films are ruined
some of my housemates may still be irked at me for telling them to shut up
in no uncertain terms

so the movie ended, and I went out on the front porch for a cigarette.
(yeah, I'm trying to quit)
just to think, really
and it just all hit me so hard.  I don't even know entirely what.  I just
put my head down on my arms, and there was a white glowing ball of light
in the middle of all the usual black fuzz
and I think 
for a second anyhow
that I wanted for there to be a god
because I wanted to say a prayer
I didn't need for it to be answered, just heard.

I remember back in middle school
was it seventh grade, or eighth?
one of the students was hit by a train on her way to school
that was all we knew
until midway through mr. baldwin's science class.
the principal came on
she had been at stanford hospital
the doctors had done everything they could to save her
she died that morning.

and something that I had never seen before
and have never seen since
happened.

the entire classroom,
every person, 
sat in silence.

minute 
after 
minute.

I've never seen death,
never known death,
never feared death.

i don't think words express how i feel
and that, i think
is why i wanted to pray.